AuthenticityDialogue’s
SHRINK RAP
Triangulation is troubling, dangerous and sometimes even fatal to personal relationships.
Consider Adam and Eve…and then the serpent came along and life got complicated. Triangulation is when two people have something to say to each other (often uncomfortable messages of disagreement or conflict), and they communicate through a third person rather than directly with each other. Shakespeare used triangulation as a plot “thickener” in most of his dramas and even in his comedies. The Roman Empire flourished and declined through the strategic use and misuse of relationship triangles. Countless movie plots from comedy to horror are fraught with relationship triangles. Intimate complications are fascinating in fiction or in history, but when they become part of your personal life they create webs of misunderstanding, disrespect, dishonesty and sometimes even cruelty.
When people choose to communicate indirectly, they do so to avoid uncomfortable confrontation. They hope that the go-between will express their emotion, negative or positive, and that the reaction to the message will occur without risk to them. The loving message delivered for Miles Standish to Pocahontas by John Alden, ended well for the go-between, John Alden. The go-between who delivers an angry message, however does the “dirty work” and often receives the static meant for the sender. The messenger faces consequences meant for another.
When triangulation occurs with parent couples communicating through their children, the result is “middling,”anxiety, unfairness, even emotional abuse. An extra added consequence is that the child learns relationship misbehavior that will almost certainly reappear in their future love relationships.
Parents are the most powerful role models for their children. Throughout life our parents influence almost all life situations. Parents are human too; even with the best of intentions to lead us along the right paths, they make mistakes. Before adolescence at least, children are dependent, accepting and loving when it comes to their parents. At the same time they are acutely aware of everything about their parents, their moods, their attitudes, and their relationship behaviors. They know when their parents are not getting along. They frequently witness disagreements, even fights, and become upset by these experiences. As they get older they form opinions about who’s right and wrong. The sometimes voice those opinions, and suddenly the parents realize the effects of their relationship on their children. This parental awareness can provide an opportunity for positive discussion and modeling between parent and child. Fears of family upheaval can be counteracted by assurances of loving in spite of disagreement. Children can learn about “fair fighting” that will serve them well in their own intimate relationships later on.
Long-term negative consequences may occur when one parent reaches out to the child as “confidante” expecting that child to be “on my side.” Suddenly the child is in the midst of the parental dispute and must deal with a relationship problem that is not theirs on the one hand and an adult problem beyond their years on the other. The situation can get worse, when the parent (confidante) suggests or even requests that the child intervene to help resolve the problem. Unbelievable as this may seem, it happens, and the result is confusion for the child, perhaps even long-term damage.
Triangulation even among seemingly sophisticated and mature adults always creates an unfair situation for a third party wrongly involved in the dispute. In addition to “killing the messenger”, unnecessary complications and increased misunderstanding, there is usually faulty messaging with inaccurate information that has been “whispered down the lane.”
TRIANGULATION SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL TIMES.
Here are some guidelines to consider to avoid this senseless, cowardly, even abusive relationship behavior.
1. When you have strong emotions related to another person, work toward resolution directly with that other person. It’s nobody else’s business.
2. If you are unsure or reluctant to confront another person at the moment, do or say nothing. Have a dialogue with yourself. Consider which is potentially worse, living with an unresolved disagreement or risking upheaval through direct confrontation. Will the emotions go away or fester? What’s confrontation worth to you?
3. If a third party mentions their awareness of your personal relationship problem, express gratitude for their concern, and assure them that you can and will handle it yourself. (Or some other soft way to tell them to stay out of your business.)
4. Avoid “trashing” your perhaps temporary opponent by openly complaining, or by soliciting support from third parties…”are you on my side?” The third party(ies) can become the common enemy if or when the couple resolves their disagreement.
Triangles ultimately damage all sides. Involving a third party to gain support, or to confront for you will always yield unsatisfying consequences. For the sake of the relationships between a couple (husband/wife, parents/children, friend/friend) intimate, direct communication of emotions, especially angry feelings is the best strategy with the highest prediction of resolution success.
Consider triangles you have created or encouraged or participated in and ask yourself…Isn’t it time to stop?
Here are some relations that can be complicated or even destroyed by TRIANGULATION.
Couple Relationships-Intimate/Neighbor/Friend
Special Triangles: Mother-Son-Daughter in Law