Number 8

Thou Shalt Not WHY!

Most talk is social..."Small Talk," that is conversational and relaxed. “Small Talk's” emotions relate to expressions of enthusiasm, humor, criticism, annoyance, and perhaps outrage. Conversational emotions are surface expressions that we choose to allow others to see. We talk with acquaintances, co-workers, relatives, and even close friends without exposing our innermost thoughts and feelings. In social situations we ask all of the usual questions: Who, What, Where, When, How and Why…and we usually receive meaningful and satisfying answers. As long as we stay near the surface, we can discuss, explain, define, and analyze without entering dangerous emotional waters. We can talk about weather, movies, news and even politics without without touching our vulnerable emotional core.

Intimate communication however touches deeper emotions that may be accompanied by intense behaviors of excitement, upset, aggression, or defensiveness. With those closest to us, our family…parents, children, spouses, lovers and "best" friends, we slide into the heart of our thoughts, emotions and beliefs. When we probe our deepest desires and needs, we take others and ourselves personally…seriously, and our emotions spike, opening up what lies beneath.

In personal dialogues we often ask "WHY" because we want to know what the other person was thinking, feeling, believing when they did or said something. What we really want to know is "Why did you do that or say that to me? What could you have been thinking to do something so insulting, or so stupid, or so insensitive, or so …etc., etc?"

We expect an answer that will make us feel better, less injured by the other's behavior. If or when we get an answer, we are usually disappointed and unresolved. Because we are hearing the other person's perspective on their own behavior, their reply is rarely satisfying to us, because their perspective is not my perspective. We are emotionally upset by insult, injury, or fear, and when we are emotional, it is impossible to connect, to empathize, or even to appreciate another's personal point of view. Yet we ask WHY again and again, only to be disappointed or further enraged when we get the answer that was not the answer we were looking for.

The probability of a personally satisfying answer based on anyone else's perspective is low. Therefore it is best not to ask…or answer such questions at all. So, what CAN we do to feel OK about another's behavior that hurts or angers us? The only option may be to look within OURSELVES to examine the reaction that we have created. I can only be certain of WHY by asking MYSELF about MY reaction. I can be sure that my own logic will make sense to me…based on the My Personal Point of View. Becoming aware of and defining my reactions in response to the behaviors of another will provide the only answers that I can control. We want to feel good about ourselves in our personal and professional relationships, so we can follow two simple rules of intimate communication.

1. NEVER ASK ANOTHER PERSON WHY HE/SHE DID OR SAID ANYTHING.

By asking this question you are no doubt expecting an answer that will not only make sense to you, but also one that will help you resolve some discomfort as a result of another’s behavior. Some answer will be given, but will one based on another’s perspective be satisfying to you? Don’t get your hopes up? That answer may clarify some aspect of the issue, but you may still feel uncomfortable. At best you may have to settle for being heard by the other person.

2. NEVER ANSWER A QUESTION THAT STARTS WITH "WHY."

If you offer an answer that is detailed and logical, recognize that your answer is your logic from your perspective, and that your perspective may not coincide with the perspective of the questioner. You will be defending not only your behavior, but also your point of view, and a defensive posture is never comfortable. You may even choose to invent your defense (lie), hoping to satisfy your questioner. Lying is always risky, because if the lie is discovered there may be a loss of trust more explosive than the original situation… better no defense than a dishonest short term fix. In fact, simple acknowledgement and empathy about the disturbing effect of what you did or what you said, with some expression of regret for that effect will go a long way toward resolution.

Arguments occur when there is a difference of opinion, logic, or perspective…usually accompanied by the question, WHY did you …? The arguers seek a "meeting of the minds," but may have to settle for agreement to disagree. Verbal “fights” however are different from arguments. They are legitimate expressions of a personal emotion. One cannot feel exactly as another person feels; so focused listening shows one's respect for and appreciation of the emotional reactions of the other person. Verbally acknowledging the questioner's expression of emotion can do much more to help toward resolution than defensiveness. This strategy deals directly with a real emotion instead of a questionable cause.

Discussion of these rules will help to avoid unnecessary frustration in future emotional discussions. When both parties accept and use this strategy, the simple answer, "Because" can serve as a signal that WHY has been asked, and that it CANNOT be answered. No-defense to WHY often defuses the emotional confrontation and reminds both parties that each personal expression of emotion should be heard and respected…not justified or explained.