AuthenticityDialogue’s
SHRINK RAP
“No-o-o Friction”
Almost 15 years ago I went to the circus. By chance as my wife and I walked around the Art Museum one Saturday morning we noticed a round tent being erected in the parking lot. There were lots of old fashioned looking signs advertising The Big Apple Circus, a one-ring show...not The Greatest Show on Earth. (This still exists, but only operates in New York City). This was an intimate circus with a message…if you can imagine. There were lions, tigers, elephants, trapeze artists, and a man who could fold himself in half and fit through a glass cylinder with ease. The ringmaster repeated the same phrase with each performance…”No Friction.” Every performer was amazingly relaxed, and fluid. There were no fits and starts. From beginning to end the show followed a smooth yet exciting plan. The whole experience was almost supernatural with the repeated message…No-o-o Friction.
I have noticed ever since that this simple message has had so many applications in all aspects of life. In relationships and in individual performance “No Friction” is often a good guideline to follow.
We are anxious to get things done as quickly as possible, to give our opinions and get our point across as loudly and as convincingly as we can. We act and react with little thought of result or consequences. We want what we want when we want it…immediately. We seek instant gratification. We care about our own timing, and too often fail to consider someone else’s needs or schedule. We have all said that “Timing is Everything” and yet we usually mean “my” timing.
The first rule of “No Friction” is:
1. If you are not clear or comfortable about a decision or a purchase or a contact…JUST DO NOTHING.
Too frequently we are convinced by others or by our anxiety or by our concern for missing the boat that we have to act immediately. Almost always if we could stop the speeding train and take stock of our inner sense (our gut or our intuition), we would make a better decision with better consequences, or we would hold off to wait for comfort and calm feelings of assurance. Sometimes the best action to take is no action. With a purchase we sometimes miss a great buy or fail to make just one more bid at an auction…and we lose the item. Did we hesitate too long or simply decide that we didn’t need or want the item enough. Sometimes by not buying an item at that time, we have the money to buy something better the next time, and we are more ready to make the buying decision. Think about how clear your buy decision seems at the moment just before you take action. If you’re not comfortable…don’t act.
CAUTION! On the other hand you may be a person who is always so uncomfortable with a buying or any other decision that you never act until it is too late. If you are one of these people you know who you are because you are filled with regret and 2nd guessing about too many lost opportunities. Your challenge then is to act (seemingly opposition to the first rule…but not really.) You have to practice taking action and risking success or failure. By playing safe all the time you have deprived yourself of many of your desires. So you must stop the “Analysis Paralysis” and jump into the unknown from time to time. This action too is in accordance with the “No Friction” attitude, only this time it is not the external friction that you are avoiding, but the internal, indecisive, insecure friction that keeps you safe from failure and success too.
The second rule of “No Friction” is:
2. When you feel like confronting someone or a situation, check your emotions before you act. If you are anxious, angry, scared, or in another way overwhelmed by emotion, this time is no time to act. The best decision would be to hold back and wait.
If you apply for a job, and haven’t heard anything for a few days, check your emotions. If you are anxious and worried or even annoyed, Do Nothing. Give yourself a point in the future when you “THINK” it would be an appropriate time to ask for a progress report from the potential employer. Remember that your timing as a job seeker is different from the timing of the employer, who doesn’t need a job and has work to do. Perhaps you decide on 10 days or 2 weeks. Write it in your schedule to call or e-mail for an update. Then no matter what your emotional condition at that time you have made the timing decision in a non-emotional way.
When you are angry with your husband or wife, or parent or child or employee or whoever, before you act or react directly to him/her/them, check your emotions. If you are barely in control this will not be the appropriate time to express the feeling to the other person. All you will succeed in doing is attacking and causing the other person to react in self-defense. This is the time to avoid friction, by taking a calming time out. Allow your brain to re-engage so that you can determine the most effective strategy and time to express your feelings or thoughts to the other person.
CAUTION! On the other hand you may be a person who is always so uncomfortable with confrontation that you never confront. You say nothing, and you push the emotions to some deeper place. But they don’t go away…the issue is unfinished. Sometimes in waiting for the right time or believing that you don’t have the right to express yourself, your internal “friction” stops action that could result in greater personal power and completeness. In your desire to avoid emotional upheaval you settle for inner discomfort and less than you deserve.
The third rule of “No Friction” is:
3. Always, as a personal rule, choose not-to-react immediately or instantaneously to any situation that is not life threatening.
Often just waiting a few seconds or a few minutes can make all the difference. With a brief delay the emotional edge is dulled and in some cases something else occurs that changes the whole picture, and with it your perspective. Years ago my mother advised me to settle disagreements with my closest relations as quickly as possible. “Never go to bed angry or with a disagreement unresolved.” I operated on this advice for years, often arguing into the early hours of the morning, and succeeding only in exhausting myself and my intimate other.
MY MOTHER WAS WRONG!! Avoid disagreements late at night, when you’re both exhausted, your nerves are frayed, and neither of you can’t think or argue like a lawyer (even if you are a lawyer.)
Note: We seem to be most aggressive and defensive with those closest to us? This should not be surprising; we trust those we love with our barest emotions, and they have the power to push all of our buttons.
Even if you’re angry, just go to bed, face away from each other if you must, and go to sleep. Yes, you will be able to go to sleep, if you decide within to postpone the explosion until morning. Very often when you both wake, you are feeling differently, less explosive and more logical. Sometimes the issue that “flipped you out” last night has considerably less meaning now that you are rested. A new day has arrived, and with it a peaceful perspective of “it’s not that important anymore.”
Caution: This “No Friction” rule 3 does not apply to emotions of love and affection. It is important to react to those emotions or intimate feelings as soon as possible. You don’t want to lose that positive intensity and motivation.
Oh …I forgot to tell you the last part of the ringmaster’s advice!
So, I challenge you to say that affirmation out loud every morning and night, and notice the smoothness that emerges in your life.
Final Note:
I would like to recommend a book that I have just read that is absolutely inspiring. It makes you conscious of how lucky you are to have and/or to know children.
If I get to five
What Children Can Teach Us About Courage and Character
By Fred Epstein, M.D., and Joshua Horwitz