Number 5

I Have It...I'm Satisfied

I Don't Have It...I NEED It!

It seems that whatever we have, we want more. I have a car now. I want a bigger one, a faster one, or a brand new one. I have an apartment. I want a house, and if I have a house I want a bigger house. There never seems to be enough. It's the American Way: striving for more and more success...usually represented by the stuff we have accumulated over a lifetime.

In addition to bigger and better stuff, we want bigger and better relationships. When I don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, I must have one. My friends are married or about to get married; I must have a husband or wife...or a child...a son and/or a daughter...and a pet...
It goes on and on and on. What is enough? When is enough enough? The answer is that enough is never enough. There's always something more. It's just human nature. We have desire; all of us have it. It is basic to our deepest level of awareness.
Even our parents, teachers and sages who tell us that desire is evil...have desire.

Desire is just like everything else in life, a double-edged sword, both positive and negative, yin and yang. Intense desire for what I don't have brings dissatisfaction and pain. But desire also brings motivation, meaningfulness, and pleasurable anticipation.
It is part of the human psyche that we want change and variety. We want novelty and stimulation, while at the same time we fear change and strive for security and safety. We settle for what we can get, and yet deep down we desire that which is just beyond our reach.

Sometimes we attain that remote desire, and we feel proud and satisfied. We may even rest for a while in the glow of achievement. In no time however the glow fades, as we grasp what we have gained too closely, fearing its loss or destruction.

We finally get delivery on that red sports car. We are thrilled at our first drive, taking in the sight, sound, touch and smell of newness. Soon we begin to worry about parking on public streets or in parking lots. We anticipate damage, wear, mechanical repairs, and the smell of stale fast food wrappers.

Another kind of desire emerges when we seek a life partner, a soul mate, a love that will make us happy and satisfy our romantic desire. We go out on countless first dates, hoping each time that this will be the one. Friends and relatives offer phone numbers, pictures, or even planned meetings. The more we search for our ideal, the more we suffer the pain of not getting what we desire. Others tell us to lower our expectations, to be less picky, to give that "nice" girl/guy a chance in spite of the lack of "chemistry." Heedless of their well-meaning advice we continue our quest for the "grail."

Suddenly, often unexpectedly the connection occurs. We meet and fall in love. We touch each other in every possible way, intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually...The Whole Package...Just Perfect. My desire is satisfied, and the satisfaction seems to last. Here is the one person in the universe with whom I can be completely myself without pretense, totally open, candid, and direct.

Soon the satisfaction of love's desire starts to erode. Little insults and secrets, angers held in, fears of reaction, unspoken thoughts and feelings build from "mole hills" into mountains. The two romantic individuals who thought they had been seamlessly joined have begun to come apart.

The lovers begin to worry, to hold back negative and even positive expressions of emotion. Both partners tread carefully around each other, careful not to rock the boat..."walking on eggshells to avoid disturbing the "status quo." In so doing they destroy any positive status quo from the inside out; the inner doubt and dissatisfaction is never expressed openly and the relationship rots.
The partners have forgotten the risks they had taken to create this relationship that they value so highly that they are now afraid of it. We cannot risk the desire to maintain safety and security at all costs.

So the desire for safety and security has replaced the desire for romantic love, and "doth make cowards of us all." What a pity that we sell-out that which we sought for so long.

Well it's not too late for action. We can do something besides get depressed, get a new lover or get a divorce. But recapturing and rebuilding an almost-lost relationship takes work. We must first recognize that the problems between two formerly intimate individuals involves unfulfilled and unspoken desires. Anger, resentment, loneliness and sexual frustrations are all about desire...Desire for that which I don't have now.

Here are some strategies for recapturing what you thought you had lost forever, to get what you want in the present and in the future.

First WHAT NOT TO DO!
1. List past insults and complaints.
2. Whine about what you are being deprived of.
3. Blame the failure of the relationship on your partner.
4. Flip out and throw a tantrum.
5. Avoid contact to avoid confrontation.

WHAT TO DO!
1. Think of your strongest negative and positive emotions and thoughts about your "loved one."

2. Think about all you are getting from your partner and from the relationship that is fulfilling your desires. Express your satisfaction and appreciation verbally and physically.

3. Think about all you are not getting from your partner. Become aware of your thoughts and emotions. DO NOT EXPRESS THEM!

4. Think of the desires that are connected to what you are not getting. DESIRE IS POSITIVE.

5. Come up with what YOU can do to elicit the response that will or may fulfill your desire. WHAT YOU
CAN DO IS POSITIVE.

6. Take your positive action, and get a response. If you don't get the response you want, then ask directly
for what you want with words like: "I want," "would you," or "may I have."

7. In response for satisfaction of your desire show appreciation and offer to satisfy your partner's
unspoken desires (as soon as those desires are expressed).

So take action in the nearest present moment...right now based on your desire rather that your feelings of deprivation. Tread the relationship path confidently, yet sensitively with your intimate partner. Rebuild or reinvent that relationship you worked so hard to get. Be conscious of it every moment, every hour, every day. Never avoid it or take it for granted. Recognize the preciousness of yourself, your partner, and your relationship in the past, present and future. Remember what you wanted, appreciate what you have, and get what you desire.