AuthenticityDialogue’s

SHRINK RAP

Number 4                    

THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE

Back in the 1800s Emily Dickinson wrote:

“We must be careful what we say.  No bird resumes its egg.”

She was suggesting that once we say something, we can’t take it back.  We are stuck with responsibility for the consequences.  This holds true for what we say as well as for what we do.  The problem occurs when we have regrets for that which has already happened.  We cannot take back the past, and start over when the results of our actions bring about negative or even tragic results.

“If only” we had not done this or that, then our world would be different.  If only Christopher Reeve had not jumped that fence…if only Abraham Lincoln had not gone to the theater…if only I had stayed home that night.

We have no control over the past, and yet we beat ourselves up for the consequences of our actions long after the event has passed.  Some negative actions have long-term negative consequences.  There is no power on earth that can correct those consequences.  Those whom we have offended might forgive us, but the emotional leftovers can continue to plague us in the present and future, if we do not forgive ourselves.

In December of last year, I attempted to install a new operating system on my computer.  All seemed to go well until I realized that I had lost all of my documents and all of my e-mail addresses.  I became angry with the computer, and then targeted myself for not leaving what was working OK alone.  “If it aint broke…don’t fix it…” or in my case don’t break it.  Well I broke it, and over the next couple of weeks tried to correct the mistake, only succeeding in making matters worse.  Often when we react with frustration we try to fix the unfixable and mess things up further.

Ultimately my entire computer hard drive had to be erased and I had to start over from scratch.  I managed to find some of my saved documents on diskettes.  Every time someone asked me if I had backed up my hard drive, and I would growl: “NO,”  followed immediately by internal self-beating.  OK…OK… Now I realize the importance of backing-up all documents regularly.   

I didn’t want to accept the fact that the mistake could not be replayed or fixed, no matter how many different strategies I employed.

A client told me about a driving incident on a recent dark night.  He noticed that a young woman was crossing in the middle of the highway some distance in front of him.  She stopped in the middle of the roadway, and he assumed that she was aware of his approach.  As he came closer to her, he noticed that she was talking on her cell phone and not looking in his direction.  He instantaneously stepped on his brake, as she unconsciously stepped into the path of his car.  Fortunately he was able to turn his vehicle and graze her with the side of his front fender.  She fell, and her arm broke in the fall.  Instantaneously he replayed the events in slow motion, but could not stop the contact between the car and the victim.  He reacted with a mix of fear, anger, and concern.  He knew he was sober, and believed he was driving as carefully as possible.  Over the next few days however, self-recrimination and guilt tortured him.  He replayed the accident over and over in his mind, examining his own behavior to see if he could have acted to change the situation.  

Nothing would calm his self-torture, until he sought some meaning in the event.  First of all the young woman could have been more seriously injured or even killed.  He too could have been injured.  Then he thought about his past drug and alcohol addiction, about the hundreds of times he had driven high or drunk, about how out of control he had been so often behind the wheel.  He became intrigued by the recent incident.  How conscious and in control he had been as the event unfolded before him.  So many times in the past he might have blindly hit other cars, people or trees.  How fortunate he had been in the past.

He chose to look at the recent accident, not as fortune, but as an indication of past spiritual protection.  His religious connection convinced him that God had protected him and others before, but this time had chosen to teach him the important lesson of his self- control, when he could pay attention to that lesson.  This understanding finally brought peace to his turmoil, and he appreciated the fact that so little damage had been done.  Things could have been much worse.  The situation was damaging enough to have meaning, and that meaning powerful enough to create a higher level of consciousness about control and responsibility, especially when he is behind the wheel.

When I heard his story, I too was comforted.  All I had lost was some “data.”  Things could have been much worse.  This perspective allows us to forgive others and ourselves for a past over which we have NO CONTROL.

What past actions or behaviors continue to punish you?  Can you accept the impossibility of “replay” and make peace with yourself or with others?  Can you find meaning in your experience that makes you a more conscious and more caring human being?  Can you appreciate the power of letting go of self-hatred for past sins in order to free yourself to love and be loved by yourself and others too?