Self-Talking Your Way

Out Of Stress

STRESS is what you experience when your mind and body react to change. That change may be unexpected or predictable. How you handle the results of that change may be within or out of your control. In any case STRESS causes us to reverberate mentally, emotionally and physically…and it saps our life energy.

In prehistoric times the stress reaction occurred as a survival mechanism. When danger approached, the body prepared to defend itself or to run away. Fight or Flight is what we call this today or confrontation or avoidance. The body and the mind prepare for some action: the heart beats faster, breathing speeds up, blood vessels constrict and muscles tighten. “On Your Mark…Get Set…” Within moments, cave-person prepares to attack or retreat. Thousands of years later nothing has changed, except now people experience the fight or flight reaction when faced with everything from life-threat to verbal insult.

Our bodies have a mission control center, the brain. Many automatic physical actions like heartbeat, breathing and reflexes do not require our conscious decision to occur. Some actions and reactions happen as a result of our conscious decisions. Specifically it is our conscious decision to act calmly or to become upset by life’s experiences. Through our own thoughts, our self-talk we set the wheels in motion that trigger the flow of sweat, tears and adrenalin that we experience as stress.

Talking is the problem, and talking is the solution. First self-talk is the cause of stress; without it we wouldn’t have to react. But we do react to situations with bosses, with children, with bills, with parents…the list of stressors is endless. Some of us react strongly and some of us hardly at all. We are each stressed out to different degrees by different life incidents. It takes a lot of stress for some of us to react, and for others of us the slightest discomfort causes upheaval. For all of us the conscious control of self-talk can help.

In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about, self-talk is that constant narration that goes on inside our heads, and that we speak out loud in the mirror, as we get dressed. It is the judgments, the rehearsals, and the criticisms of others and ourselves that take up so much of our thinking awareness. Throughout our waking hours and into the night when we can’t sleep our self-talk continues to worry us, to justify us to criticize us and to all around STRESS us. We lump all of our stress together whether we can affect change or not. If we could take an objective (outsider) look at our stressors we would certainly drop half of them. There are Stressors over which we have and can exercise control and there are Stressors that are out of our control.

Intellectually we know that if something is outside of our control we could choose to let it go and move on. We also know that if something is within our control we could choose to do something to change the situation or choose to avoid action and leave the situation alone. We often choose to leave situations alone with the hope that the problem will go away on its own…and sometimes ignoring a problem, the NO FRICTION approach results in just that. We thus choose to Fight/to Confront or to Flee/to Avoid/to Run Away.

Our life-stresses can be fitted into the following grid:

I Have Control

I Do Not Have Control

I Did It

Confront Myself and Solve the Problem or Accept the Consequences

It Is The Past. Talk Myself Out Of Second Guessing And Self Rejection

He/She/They Did It

Confront The Other(s) and Solve/End the Problem or Move it to the Next Level Or Avoid/Evade/Let It Go. NO FRICTION

It Is The Past. Talk Myself Out Of Second Guessing And Self Rejection

“I Do Not Have Control” situations can be the most stressful because of the frustration that there is nothing I can do to make the situation right. In “I Have Control” situations I have the power to change or to avoid the condition that is causing me stress. I can take action and pay the price or reap the reward of confronting the situation, or I can use the NO FRICTION approach and leave the situation alone. Either approach is a decision to exercise control of myself.

When another person’s actions or inactions cause us stress, it may be hard, but we must remind ourselves that “I am the cause of my stress.” I am reacting to their behavior as if they have injured me or threatened me in some way. My negative self-talk runs amok; my emotions and my body take over and I stop controlling myself. I must become aware of my self-talk and deliberately slow it down in order to regain control. I must take control of the inner turmoil first, and then I can leave myself room to decide for myself instead of being controlled by the actions of the other person. For example:

I made plans with a friend to go to my favorite restaurant in celebration of my birthday. At the last minute my friend cancels – by phone machine. I am disappointed, then hurt, then upset, then angry. Flooded with emotion I fly into my stress reaction. My day could be ruined if I fall victim to my own reaction. Instead I choose to slow down my self-talk, and I realize in that moment that I have some options.

1. I can say nothing and stay angry

2. I can forgive and reschedule.

3. I can confront with my anger and risk the relationship.

4. I can confront with my disappointment and perhaps improve the relationship.

Options to handle stress are always possible if you can slow down the self-talk and allow room for them.

Step by step we have options when someone has acted towards us in an objectionable, hurtful, insensitive or unfair way.

1. Catch yourself at the beginning of your stress reaction – when you start to feel hot, angry, attacked or affronted. Be aware of the reaction and tell yourself to “Slow Down!”

2. Talk to yourself and short circuit your mindless emotion. Take the situation less personally. Get back into your mind and assess the situation more clearly and objectively. Look for options/opportunities for personal control.

3. Talk with the other person about what they did and how it affected you…OR Say nothing and let it go for now. Perhaps there was no insult intended or a battle at this time is not your choice. (We’ll talk about the “Two Strikes and You’re Out” Strategy in another article.)

Confrontation or avoidance…Fight or Flight…is your decision, an exercise of your control over the situation, over yourself, over your Stress Reaction. It is your decision too to let the irritation within continue. Do you hold a grudge or can you really forget about the situation? How important is your relationship and how important is the insult? Is confrontation or avoidance worth the risk???

By Self-Talking your way out of your stress, you open yourself to your own power and control over life’s drama. Imagine how much better you’ll feel about yourself when stressors that used to send you into outer space no longer seem to push your buttons. And all you had to do was slow down and TALK TO YOURSELF.